I’m just going to go off on a tangent here because I have inspiring trip hop music in the background and because I feel like whoever follows my Tumblr should at least know what kind of person I am. Thoughtful, right?
This morning, I woke up feeling pretty good because campus is closed and I had Pandora playing some badass trip hop. As you’ve probably, already guessed, I now have a new love for trip hop. Anyway, with this kind of music, I feel inspired to do so many things that I’ve put off for so long; like picking up animation again and getting back into that for next semester (I want to do video game design), going to the park and hitting up some random friends to hang with, dressing up nice and taking pictures to glamourise and post on Instagram, writing my books and scripts and production notebooks.
And then my mind starts to board the Trip Hop Express and I’m whisked off to my daydream of actually doing all that, and I feel even more amazing. And then I get whisked off to the lonely part of my brain, where I imagine myself doing all that next to a guy that I like. And I’m not going to go into the whole story of how our relationship is, and why it’s pissing me off; but I will say that even though I hate where we are, I just love being near him. And I think of going to his house, dressed nice (hahah), bringing my laptop so I can still do what I want to do, taking pictures with him for Instagram, playing video games… And gradually, I fall into a light depression, where I feel like staying in bed and not doing anything. But even as I’m typing this, I feel in the back of my head, having him come to my house or just getting up anyway to clean the house and get ready.
Maybe I’ll write about our relationship in the next tangent, if at least 5 people like this. Who knows, maybe you guys can give me some advice.
Back to the tangent. It’s times like these where I don’t feel like myself. Because I think back to a couple years ago, when I was this pretty badass chick who made other people laugh and have a good time, when my smile was genuine and not sad, when my singing didn’t sound so fake. And THAT’S when I get MOST depressed because singing is my passion, and to hear that there’s no soul in it all because of whatever thoughts I let get to me… I feel like I should just go on medication, maybe I’m crazy and depressed and need to be in an asylum with bottles of anti-depressants. And then I get inpsired to write a script where the character is insane and depressed, and she meets other fascinating characters. And in the end, they escape and all live together, only of course, it’s only the central character and her love interest that lives together. And one of the people who were supposed to join them died in the asylum, which motivated the rest to leave the place. Which then causes another person to die, which then leaves only the one other person who doesn’t choose to live with the couple, but instead decides to live in a little Asian village where her mind won’t get to her.
And then I feel better after thinking of such a nice film, and try to decide between making it a film or a novel. And then I remember, I already have it in progress as a script, so I should just keep it as such.
Now my followers must think I’m crazy. But that’s okay, because I just might be. And that makes me feel good but restrained, and that pulls at my heart because I feel like I’ve finally realized what type of person I’m going to be once I’m on my own and I get excited, only to get put down by the realization that I’m not on my own yet.
I hate seeing all these beautiful images of a nice day in my head, and me being productive and happy, and then having my brain go to the lonely place. But that’s what music does, it makes you think of what lurks in your subconscious, and just for a little while, it takes you there. And you realize all these different things that lurks in the back of your head, that waits to attack you when you’re down; but that gives you the ammo to fight back. What I’m saying is that when you listen to music that you feel lets your mind wander to those dark things in the back of your head, take notes of what you see and feel. That can be used as ammo to fight back those dark creatures, when you look at what you’ve written or realized and change it.
For example, I feel lonely and lazy and that disgusts me. So I’m going to get up, get dressed, take a few pictures, and go outside. I’m going to call some friends, walk around downtown with my iPod, and continue to daydream with my trip hop. Because when I do all that, and I have trip hop—the music that lets me feel and think—I get inspired to do more things. And at the end of the day, I’m feeling complete and ready to take on tomorrow.
And of course, I’m going to add a nice photo of how I feel.